


Still Feel

by wOnderOus_wOrlds



Series: 2020 Monthly Oneshots [8]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Based on a song, COVID-19, Dissociation, Online School, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Song Lyrics, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Worried May Parker (Spider-Man), Zoom - Freeform, mental health, no beta we die like people, wrote this a long time ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27276766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wOnderOus_wOrlds/pseuds/wOnderOus_wOrlds
Summary: Peter Parker has always liked school, even when he was bullied by Flash or when he wasn't challenged by the work. He just liked the concept of school in general. He was a straight A student, holding those grades even if he was Spider-Man, so why is he suddenly struggling to hold those grades during online school?Online school was nothing compared to swinging and fighting crime anyway.or, how would Peter Parker cope with the coronavirus pandemic/online school?
Relationships: May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Abe Brown & Cindy Moon, Peter Parker & Michelle Jones, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: 2020 Monthly Oneshots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755907
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	Still Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This was a random idea that I had in September when I started school. I had been struggling with the change of in-person to online school, and most of this was somewhat written on a whim. The song is Still Feel by half•alive.
> 
> Anyways, this was a new change from my normal writing, and somewhat challenging, I hope you like it!
> 
> (here's the song link on spotify and youtube just in case you want to listen along; https://open.spotify.com/album/2KSWrd22LGc0Hmqs2Z5i7z?highlight=spotify:track:48XkVAagIoQHCsOlJtXUd5 and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOOhPfMbuIQ)

_ → When I’m furthest from myself (far away) _

_ → Feeling closer to the stars (outer space) _

_ → I’ve been invaded by the dark (can’t escape) _

Peter doesn’t remember when he first started floating, whether it was after his parents died or when the bullying started. He doesn’t know, and often he doesn’t care. At times, he does it to wash away the negative emotions within. But today? Today he just can’t focus, he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t feel anything today. He’s struggling to stare at the computer screen, to focus correctly. He struggled to get out of bed today, to do anything.

With over 59 overdue assignments, his grades dropping and Spider-Man being taken away from him due to his bad grades, he’s barely coping. It’s at times like these when he asks,  _ where is Peter Parker?  _ He doesn’t feel like himself, hell, he barely feels anything.

Yet he can’t find it in himself to react.

_ → Trying to recognize myself when I feel I’ve been replaced _

He just doesn’t like how out of it he feels.

* * *

_ → I can feel a kick down in my soul _

Peter sighed, looking at his way too many F’s again. May’s voice forever repeating in his skull,  _ “Peter you have to get your grades up. Spider-Man isn’t your future, you are.” _

He gulped down the frustration as he stared at the screen. Even if chemistry was his best subject, the words swarmed. They felt incomprehensible. Peter might be able to keep up with Tony Stark when it comes to chemistry, but right now he feels unbearably stupid. 

Peter doesn’t understand anything.

* * *

_ → And it’s pulling me back to Earth to let me know _

But nonetheless he has to try. Everyone wants to see him succeed, he’s been succeeding from a very young age. He went from a straight A student to straight F’s and that’s not allowed. The school system doesn’t care about mental health, only about his grades.

His future teachers and current ones wouldn’t understand.

So he has to persevere. All he’s going through will seem like an excuse to them anyways.

* * *

_ → I am not a slave, can’t be contained _

He picked up. In a few days, he had completed all of his work and completely caught up. It was amazing, especially to Aunt May. Peter felt proud of himself, but he dreaded when this would happen again.

One moment he’d be floating, and another moment he’d be crashing into the atmosphere. There was absolutely no in-between. He didn’t feel grounded at all. 

When he was out being Spider-Man, it was a completely different feeling. He was literally flying - not the bad way he had been these weeks - but he felt free. When he was Spider-Man, he couldn’t be contained to the dreaded room of over 59 overdue assignments and non-stop stress.

Spider-Man was out and swinging again, Peter’s never felt better.

* * *

_ → So pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave ‘cause _

When he was Peter, he felt trapped. Not only in that room, but in his  _ mind. _ It was amazing what online school and quarantine could do to someone, he’d be curious if he weren’t on the receiving end of it.

But even when he’s floating, there’s the constant reminder that he  _ has to be better.  _ That reminder being Aunt May, or Mr.Stark or even Ned sometimes. He just can’t take it anymore.

Amidst all this, he’s living, he’s breathing, meaning he has no choice but to claw his way to the light. Even if he’s alone doing it. Aunt May doesn’t understand, Mr.Stark doesn’t understand,  _ Ned _ doesn’t understand.

That means Peter’s all alone.

* * *

_ → I still feel alive _

And he has to claw his way through alone too.

_ → When it is hopeless, I start to notice _

He notices the worrying glances he’s receiving from Aunt May, how those make his spidey-sense prickle as if they’ve been poked with no warning. As his A’s go to B’s once again, Peter drowns. He doesn’t feel like himself anymore, he’s losing gravity and now he’s floating again. Peter wants to be tied to an anchor, a reminder, that he’s still here. That he’s not floating.

_ → And I still feel alive _

He’s living, he’s breathing and by default that means he has to stay on Earth. Peter can’t float, not right now. He needs to keep his grades up, he can fly when he’s Spider-Man.

_ → Falling forward, back into orbit _

Peter completely shut down. He’s in a hole he can’t crawl out of. His B’s turn into C’s, May’s nagging increases and it feels crushing. He’s not floating like he asked, instead he’s falling. 

He’s falling, falling, with no end. 

He’s falling into orbit, and it feels like he’ll never hit the ground.

As the ditched zoom meetings pile up, the number of absences grows, teasing him, his grades dropping faster than his motivation…

Peter breaks.

* * *

_ → So when I lose my gravity in this sleepy womb _

And he floats.

Peter forces himself to make an effort, even when he can’t muster up a smile for Aunt May. After all, his future depends on this.

Everything depends on this, and for once, Peter has that crushing realization.

Progress reports crawl closer, his grades taunting him at every corner. Peter’s incessant need to go out as Spider-Man again increases, he sits through May’s lecture, too conflicted to say anything.

He rushes to his room and cries. He’s just floating endlessly, why can’t he at least reach a spaceship?

Peter needs something grounding, and so far, he hasn’t found anything.

* * *

_ → Drifting as I dream, I’ll wake up soon _

He gets more messages - from his teachers, from Mr. Stark - and they all say the same thing, 

“You need to start working.”

Don’t they realize he’s trying? Peter’s doing his best, he just can’t manage to sit in front of a computer for hours and hours on end but of course he can’t say that. They wouldn’t understand. They have their life together. They don’t understand the crushing weight of knowing that their whole future depends on a few letters of the alphabet that once he gets out of school, he prays to never hear again. He’s just wanting this to all be a dream and then go back to school normally.

The quarantine days pile and pile, the weight on Peter’s shoulders increasing as COVID cases rise and rise. Peter knows there’s no way he’s going to be Spider-Man now, after all, with COVID on the rise Aunt May would never let him go out.

Peter misses flying, and he wants the floating to stop.

* * *

_ → To realize the hand of life is reaching out _

“Are you okay, underoos?” Mr. Stark asks one day. Peter and Mr. Stark would regularly call since his lab days were replaced, ( _ May also had more and more shifts at the hospital and relies on Mr. Stark to check in on him).  _ “I heard from May that your grades were going down.”

Peter bites his lip, scribbling some more proofs down for math, “Yeah, I’m fine, Mr. Stark.” Internally Peter was wondering if he should tell him, but of course, would Mr.Stark even care? He has bigger troubles than worrying about some highschooler that can’t do his work.

“-eter, Peter!” Oh, Mr.Stark had been calling his name. He didn’t know, Peter had happened to be ‘floating’ at the time. He’s gotten so used to it ( _ when did that happen?) _ that Peter doesn’t even notice when it happens anymore. 

“-kid, you’re not okay.”

It happened again, didn’t it? Peter frowns as he looks up from his half-done work, he had done all of it on auto-pilot. These problems were too easy, a waste of his time, but they were still necessary to get his grades up. “Uh, yeah, what did you say, Mr.Stark?”

“Peter, what’s going on?”

“What do you mean? I’m doing my work-”

“No, Peter, what’s going on with you? You’ve never been that unresponsive, and when you have….” Mr.Stark trails off and Peter already knows what he’s talking about. Peter’s panic attacks and sensory overloads were actually really common.

“It’s not that, uh,” Peter’s nervous, and it’s noticeable. “I just can’t focus? Like, I try to, but I feel attention - or, well,  _ myself _ really, drifting away.” Mr. Stark raises a brow, a sign that Peter has to continue explaining, “Like it feels like I’m not me, if that makes sense. Imagine yourself watching a movie, but that movie is your life while you’re floating in the theater, like that, basically-” 

“You’re dissociating?”

Dissociation. ‘ _ Dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences, ranging from a mild emotional detachment from the immediate surroundings, to a more severe disconnection from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.’  _ It’s been years since Peter had last heard that word, but in hindsight, it really does fit.

It fits his situation a little too well. Peter feels like a block had just been inserted into his throat, making him unable to speak. He nods, not trusting his voice nor himself to not break down.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Mr. Stark asks, “Peter…”

“I can’t tell anyone, Mr.Stark,” He blurts out, a sickening feeling settling into his gut, “They’re all going to say it’s an excuse or something. It’s a hard time for everyone so that doesn’t excuse me slacking off.” His breath hitched as he forced himself to calm down, “I should just try harder.” The words were bitter, leaving a horrible taste in his mouth.

“Peter just because everyone’s going through something or has their own problems, that doesn’t make yours invalid.” 

* * *

_ → To rid me of my pride, I call allegiance to myself _

“Why didn’t you just ask for help, Peter? I’m always here for you,” Mr.Stark had no clue how much those words affect Peter.

And thanks to Peter, he’ll probably never know. 

Peter felt conflicted, a torrent of emotions moving within him, “But you’re busy, Mr.Stark…”

“Peter, you need help,” He said, “And I’m here for you.-

“-so let me help you.”

* * *

_ → But I can feel a kick down in my soul _

Peter talks to Mr.Stark more, and he feels the weight lightening just a little bit, he feels like he’s anchored, coming down to Earth again. He can do this.

And when he can’t he has someone there.

_ → And it’s pulling me back to Earth to let me know _

He has someone to bring him back into reality. Peter feels grounded. 

_ → I am not a slave, can’t be contained _

The door to the room isn’t closed anymore. It’s slightly open. Peter can walk out whenever he wants to, whenever he needs a break from the constant stream - he can just walk out. For once, Peter Parker might be somewhat free.

_ → So pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave ‘cause _

There’s light in the tunnel, he’s getting there, he’s getting out. Peter’s almost there,  _ he’s almost out. _

* * *

_ → I still feel alive _

“You’re doing great, Peter!” May says, “You got your grades up again. I always knew you could do it.”

He’s alive, he’s breathing, he can get through this.

He’s not alone anymore.

_ → When it is hopeless, I start to notice _

Peter’s not alone. He has a constant reminder.

“Remember, Pete, I’m always here, you can call me at anytime.”

He hadn’t realized how important a support system was.

_ → And I still feel alive _

_ → Falling forward, back into orbit _

He’s here now, he’s in the present with everyone.

And for the first time in 5 months, Peter feels  _ happy. _

_ → Oh, I still feel alive _

His grades are skyrocketing, and Aunt May seems satisfied. Peter shines a little brighter nowadays, now he’s looking forward to the calls with Mr.Stark.

_ → When it is hopeless, I start to notice _

His classmates are struggling too - Peter was just so wrapped up in his own world that he couldn’t realize it. What Mr.Stark did to him… he wants to do it to them too.

If they’re floating, he wants to be an anchor.

Maybe Peter Parker can still be the hero now even if Spider-Man’s not allowed out.

_ → Oh, I still feel alive _

_ → Falling forward, back into orbit _

He’s getting calls every day, Cindy, MJ, Ned, Abe - they built up a small group. It’s not much, but it’s enough for them.

A support unit, just for them, to remind them that they’re still here. Even in the insane world that they live in - to remind them, that they haven’t lost their home.

* * *

_ → I can feel a kick down in my soul _

They start to smile more - all of them. In these times, their hope is all they have. The COVID cases are stabilizing, there’s hope of returning to school next year, of jobs opening, of returning to  _ normal. _

At this point, everyone’s desperate, Peter, MJ, Ned, Cindy, Abe, Mr.Stark, May… 

But Peter knows it’s not that easy.

_ → And it’s pulling me back to Earth to let me know _

Everything picks up, the news cycle, the work they have - and their homelife. May’s constantly gone again as COVID cases rise thanks to the cold weather’s brutal return. With May gone, they call more often, trying to make sense of their situation.

→  _ And this heart that beats inside of me will show _

They’re here, they’re alive, they’re breathing, and sometimes, that’s all they need to know.

→  _ It will show _

Peter feels it coming together, finally, he seems stable.

And then that’s when it falls again.

* * *

→  _ Floating in outer space, have I misplaced a part of my soul? _

He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know why he feels like this. Everything was going so well!

“Sometimes you don’t need a reason to feel the way you do,” Mr.Stark says, but for some reason, Peter can’t find it in himself to believe him. Peter’s supposed to be fine,  _ fine _ , so what’s going on?

→  _ Lost in the in-between, or so it seems, I’m out of control _

He’s spiralling and spiralling upwards, unable to pause the momentum or slow it down.

→  _ Floating in outer space, have I misplaced a part of my soul? _

“Peter, we’re here for you.”

“You’ll be okay.”

“It’s okay to feel like this.”

“You’re not in the wrong.”

“You don’t need a reason to feel the way you do.”

“Peter-”

→  _ Lost in the in-between, but it can’t keep me asleep for long ‘cause _

“Peter, we’re all here for you.”

Peter took a breath.

* * *

_ → I still feel alive (I can feel it) _

Things got better again, this time, Peter’s hoping they last.

→  _ When it is hopeless (it ain’t hopeless) _

_ → I start to notice (I start to notice) _

It’s now winter break, and they did it. They survived the first half of the year.

After everyone got tested, they decided to have a small reunion.

“First half of the year, check!” Abe yelled.

“We got this, we just need the rest of the year,” Cindy smiled, “With everyone here- we can do it.”

→  _ And I still feel alive (I can feel it) _

The year continued, ups and downs. Most times Peter felt grounded now, he wasn’t floating as much.

→  _ Falling forward (falling forward)  _

_ → Back into orbit (back into orbit) _

It’s highly unlikely that things will turn back to normal anytime soon, and for Peter, as long as his friends and family are okay, he thinks he’ll be okay with it - even if he still floats at times.

He’s living, he’s breathing, his heart is still beating, and it’s a constant reminder that  _ he's still alive. _

And so are they.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this and if you did, leaving a comment or checking out my other works would mean so much to me, thank you!!
> 
> Some works you might like based on this fic (I write a lot of crossovers, so some might be crossovers)  
> -A Spider's Wings (completed series/2 works); a Young Justice/DCU crossover with Spider-Man  
> -A Friendly Neighborhood Exchange Student (ongoing); a My Hero Academia crossover with Spider-Man
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked this! Any mistakes can be pointed out in the comments. :DDD
> 
> And PS. remember, whenever you're struggling, there's always going to be someone these for you, to catch you, if you just let them know. :) Reach out! You're not alone


End file.
